and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
