Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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