i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
