so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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