I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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