We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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