Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
