eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
