just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
vagina is talking i cant
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
