Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
