Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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