hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
