First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
