Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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