sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
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Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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