FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
