omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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