Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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