my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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