The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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