i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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