allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
