i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
