Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
