my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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