She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
