I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
