Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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