Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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