you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
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I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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