I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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