alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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