Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just pee around me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
