i love accidental penises.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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