Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize