Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
