I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
