He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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