i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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