im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
