I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
