I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
