I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
