did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
