When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
