Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Randomize
