i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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