I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
