I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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