It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
