Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Small penises have feelings too.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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