John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
