Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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