I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
