Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
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I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
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N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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