Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We had to coat check the pizza.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
