I met the friendliest cop last night
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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