You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
