Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
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Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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