Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
