Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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