why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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