dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
